Washington, DC: WTF?

Last night highlighted exactly what is wrong with Washington, DC. Despite a frighteningly large majority of people who're apparently happy living lives consisting solely of working for The Man, some of us like to get out and, well, do things. Even if it's just drinks and a movie after dinner for a friend who successfully defended her thesis. (Well, it was a Monday...)

See, last week Danny took me to see his former drum teacher play in a small jazz band. After about 30 seconds, I turned to Danny and said "I'm not going to say anything, but you owe me. You're coming to see Sex and the City with me, and you can't make comments." Now, I really enjoy jazz, but I hate (HATE) smooth jazz. Kenny G. and elevator music in general is especially repugnant. So, I felt no shame whatsoever in dragging Danny out to see the cinematic culmination of HBO's pop culture stir.

We arrived early in Georgetown, and walked down to the water to scope out the boat hos. Boat hos are some of DC's finest gold diggers who wander the G-town pier trying to pick up men who own boats with names that imply "Super Multi-Millionaire Phallic Means of Conveyance That Is Actually Smaller Than My Penis Which In Turn Is Only Slightly Smaller Than My Bank Account." Sadly, there were only two of them. But the night was so lovely, we didn't want to just hole up in the theater.

My alcoholic spidey senses alerted me to the presence of an outdoor bar at Nick's Riverside Grill. I should have realized when they asked to see ID and then put a bright neon green bracelet on my wrist that this was a bad choice. Undeterred, I ordered a gin and tonic (Bombay Saphire all the way, baby), and Danny got a vodka tonic. The bar was completely full, noisy, and the resident drunk weirdo was talking to anyone who looked lost, so we drifted over to an out-of-the-way table. Just as I got comfortable and possibly paid my first ever compliment to the city of Washington ("This is actually quite nice..."), a waitress walked up to us and told us we weren't allowed to sit there.

Why, we queried. The other side of the outdoor space is completely full, this side is empty, and the bar has no seats left. But unless we ordered food, we were banished to the bar. We dragged chairs to the edge of the bar area, sat down, and I was promptly told to move again because I was blocking the entrance. At that point, we walked away. At the other end of the bar was the host, who looked about 16. He kindly gave us a table - the one we started at, as a matter of fact - and we used the menus as our official credentials allowing us to occupy the table.

WTF, Nick's Riverside Grill? WTF?

The food is incredibly expensive, and for what? It looked like total crap. And whatever happened to running a business that serves the needs and desires of its customers? The best seating is at the water's edge. Why cram everyone off to one side in a giant noisy mass? We had drinks, which involve zero cleanup, and alcohol is where the money is made, anyway.

As it was, I would never eat there. The menu sucks. If I pay$17 for a salad, it had better not simply be a "southwestern salad." I would like some perfectly seared tuna or duck confit and some berries, not grilled chicken and black beans. And if it is chicken and black beans, I would like it to be organic free range chicken and organic black beans, and the other ingredients should be sustainably farmed. And $10 for a small plate of friedness? Why?  I can stop by my local college dining hall and get the same crap for 50% less.

Also, the attitude of the waitstaff is inexcusable. Danny and I are clearly not college kids out to get drunk and rowdy. We are two people out on a Monday night date looking for some peace and quiet. The only plus was a very generously healthy measure of gin in my gin and tonic.  Perhaps the drinks are so strong because if the patrons aren't slightly drunk, they would beat up the waitstaff.

What really got me was the unnecessary amount of ridiculously rigid rules.  Everywhere you turn, you think "Why?"  Washington, DC and the surrounding metro area, why are you so obsessed with regulations and restrictions and not drinking and completely nonsensical ways to simultaneously aggravate people and blow tax dollars?  

(In Montgomery County, for instance, you can't get hard liquor outside of special county-run liquor stores.  Mysteriously, the county is actually LOSING MONEY on their hard liquor monopoly.  No, really.  I'm serious.  No exaggeration.  How the hell do you accomplish that?)