A Hard Day's Night. (And Day.) (And Night. And Day. And night, and Day, and Night, and Day, etc.)

Grad school is so kicking my ass right now. I've been subsisting on breakfasts consisting of yogurt, blueberries from NJ (they are so freaking cheap at M&M, I get a couple containers whenever I visit my parents), and odds and ends from the fridge. (Really Good: TJ's low fat yogurt, blueberries, almonds, cinnamon, and a drizzle of buckwheat honey. Totally awesome breakfast/dessert.) Lunch has been whatever the food coop has to offer. Last night I got some falafel and hummus at 9 PM because I was in lab until then. I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks. I spend my days waiting for my cells to grow in the mornings and then staring at a computer all afternoon into the night taking fluorescence traces.

And I always misspell "fluorescence."

The time intervals involved are such that going to the gym is not possible. I'm leery of running outside because recently, my oh-so-beloved university has stopped sending out crime alerts because there's been so much criminal activity. (See what I mean? DC metro area, WTF?) I think 3 Honda Civics were broken into, and the airbags were stolen along with 40-something other crimes (theft, etc.). Someone was recently pick-pocketed in the elevator in my building in the afternoon. They put metal things on the doors because people were trying to jimmy them open to steal computers.

As a result, I'm turning into mush, and I don't have time for anything. It's just too depressing. I got myself a jump rope, though. Possibly tomorrow I might swallow my pride, bring it to lab, and spend 10 minute intervals jumping rope in the hallway. Where there's a will, there's a way, right? :)

So, back to food. I ate a free Dunkin' Donut today. And it was vile, in a too-sweet and artificial Sandra Lee kind of way.

It is keeping me full. Or maybe that's just because I'm nervous? I don't know. When I'm nervous because of my own head, I tend to eat much less than usual, but if someone else is giving me crap, I tend to eat much more than usual. Well, either way, I'm nervous because I'm going to start rewriting my candidacy proposal in a few days. It's making me realize even more how much I don't want to be part of academia. I have enough data now for about 2 papers, and one of them is about a totally new way to use a particular fluorescent dye system. The other is about a hitherto undiscovered mechanism of function in this channel I've been studying.

I've been working for a year, and I've got 2 papers to write. I worked at Pepsi for a year, and I reworked the color system for the Thai strawberry-kiwi twister and figured out a way to prevent a plug of pulp forming in bottles for Vietnamese orange twister (this had stymied everyone for months).

But it isn't good enough. They can't look at what I'm doing and say, "Yes, HungryGrad, you're obviously well on your way to becoming a full-fledged scientist, good luck and godspeed." If I fail candidacy again, I'm probably going to get kicked out of grad school. Everyone looks at me and says, "But you're so smart! You won't fail." But I failed the first time, and no one thought that would happen.

If I do fail, I'll find something to do. Maybe I'll call up the people I've met and see if they can help me get my pet project underway even if I don't have my PhD. Maybe I'll go to brew school. Maybe I'll go back to Pepsi. Maybe I'll get a regular job and gun it for national fencing competitions. It won't be the end of the world, but it's definitely something I'd mope about for a while.

In 3 days, the writing shall commence. I'd better not get writer's block... that would be total bullshit.